mirror I have a friend who has a friend. Girl has a serious weakness for men of the “cliché-handsome-Hispanic” variety (think Enrique Iglesias, or Ricky Martin, before he was gay. Or after. She don’t discriminate.) One night, she attended a boring party in the countryside. Boring, boring, boring, everything boring. Until she saw The Actor. People parted to let this Adonis float through the crowd as if carried by wings of beauty. The fervent intent of his eyes, the swirl of dark hair that spoke not only of great DNA but also of exuberant use of Moroccan oil, the nonchalance with which he dismissed the other losers around him and instead zoned in on Girl – it was all just perfect. When he asked her out for dinner upon their mutual return to the Metropolis, she naturally said yes. Before the date,

Girl was so nervous she almost had a panic attack- his was another level of beauty, was she really good enough for him? When they met, she wasn’t disappointed; he really was hawt as fuck. She immediately helped herself to a couple of healthy buckets of Margaritas, to steady those shaky nerves. But… as dinner proceeded, she couldn’t help but notice a few things. He ordered ribs (on a first date?) and his table manners…. Suffice to say, it was enough to make her stick to her liquid dinner. As if his manners weren’t bad enough; the conversation. You see, Adonis was not only a banker, but also…

An Actor. Adonis clearly had a pretty good idea about his exterior charm, and made no secret about how much he enjoyed his good looks. “Baby, it wasn’t exactly an accident I was shortlisted to play Chuck” He said with a smug smile and pointed to his face, before diving headfirst into a monologue about the craft of…

The Actor. After a couple of visit to the men’s room, it was clear that Adonis had a coke-thing too. He jittered and jumped in his seat and got more and more worked up about himself, telling her “intriguing” stories from set, then trying to grab her ass with his sticky fingers. Ehhh, excuse her, but white pants do not go well with rib-fingers, idiot. Girl subsequently asked the waiter for some napkins and proceeded to wipe his hands, while he kept banging on about….

The Acting. Looking like a pre-historic cave painting, Girl decided that he was just awful, absolutely awful, but she still wanted to sleep with him. She therefore accepted when he asked her back to his. The apartment was filled with banker dash actor type of items. A leather couch on a zebra rug, beneath a glass table with (multiple) framed headshots. Memorabilia from shoots of movies God Forgot. Girl was pretty much like, aight, let’s get this over and done with, but Adonis had another plan. I want to show you my work. He plonked her down on the leather pile and then forced her to watch 3x 20 minute movies he’d been in. During the “Screening” He read all of the lines out loud (not only the ones of his own character) and made sure that she fully understood the profound meaning of these three shorts. With growing horror, she noticed that he was getting seriously turned on – not by her, but by watching himself on the screen. As they saw a young Adonis in full gear on some medieval set, they started mackin like it was their own Game of Thrones. The sex itself wouldn’t have been too bad if it hadn’t been for the fact that he seemed compelled to accompany the act with his own one-liners. The particular favorite being “I haven’t had carbs for five years” making him seem like an eerie cross between Patrick Bateman and Gwyneth Paltrow. Repeating this sentences like it was the mantra of a Buddhist monk on a sabbatical, he finally came. She described the sound to me as “A whale being harpooned” or “A sea lions dying wish”. Well, well, she thought as she started gathering her thoughts and her dignity: time to GTFO. Adonis then turned around and held her face between his artistically soft hands, looked her deep in the eye as he carefully read the lines closing the scene. “Baby, don’t leave yet. I want you to tell me… did you like my acting?”

(im)moral of the story: A big Ego can sometimes third wheel you in the bedroom.