nosferatu1I have a friend who has a friend. Actually, everyone has a friend with a story of a bad date – perhaps you’ve even been on one or two yourself – but this one here deserves a special mention.

The Girl in question had decided to invest in some property in Edinburgh. Tired of the hustle and bustle of the Capital, she couldn’t wait to spread her wings and fly, like the seagulls lining the beautiful Scottish shore, into her new abode of domestic bliss.

However, she didn’t have many friends, or potential boyfriends, inhabiting this new quarter of the earth. Never one to shy away from trying something new, she thought about online dating. Yes, the odds are low for finding someone you really like – kinda like a needle in a haystack – but let’s give it a go anyway.

Bingo! She got a match immediately, with what at first glance appeared to be a not too shabby potential love interest. Tall – 6 ft.7 – a former dodgeball pro, according to his profile.

On the day leading up to the date, our girl sent him a couple of questions, to ease the tension of this first encounter. You know, standard stuff. Favourite movie? Occupation? That sort of thing. He answered and responded with a few queries of his own.

“Have you ever seen a dead body?”

Oh… Filled with new questions such as: is it rude if I don’t bring my own body bag? she boarded the train to Edinburg. She was adamant to follow through with this- at least give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

But Cupid and his disciples seemed to have taken the day off. It started off with the Girl taking the train from London, getting fined for not paying for her ticket at the station. (Now now- I never said our leading Lady was an angel). Great! Sparks better be flying.

The warmth of London had not yet reached the windy shores of the North, and our Girl staggers from the station, bracing the arctic winds in her metropolitan summer coat, heels giving a curiously hollow echo on streets deserted by all mankind. Is this 28 Days Later?

Enter: Our leading Man. Laying eyes on him, she starts to think that this is indeed a zombie apocalypse, and she fumbles for a forgotten body bag. The pictures on his online dating profile do not do him justice. Deeply set eyes, with shadows darker than the graveyard shift against skin of a startling pallor. Tattoos cover his body, and face – even his skull and eyelids haven’t escaped the artistic etchings. From now on we will refer to him as Lurch.

He takes her to a zombie-like cave/café. Do they not have heating in Edinburgh? She tried to control her clattering teeth as she listened to his entire life story. After growing up under dire circumstances, seeing loads of dead bodies (one presumes), Lurch had, as a matter of fact, been scouted by a pro dodgeball team and been brought to America. Land of fortune! Hurrah!

He brings his brother with him to wallow in the glory sure to come. But instead, Lurch gets behind the wheel on the very first week of Americandom, and… hits a guy with his car.

Lurch, always thinking on his feet, decides to pull a hit and run. Run from the law, back to the motherland! His brother, with a broken spleen from the impact of the hit, and himself transform into bats and soar over tree tops and oceans in the dark of night to the safety of a Scottish Cave and Coffin.

How to earn a dollar now? Lurch starts selling heroin, cause you know, guy’s gotta eat. From Dodge Ball to H-Ball, right? Turns out Lurch himself is a bit of a user, so he knows the market well and good. His entrepreneurial skills are juggled with those of his actual job – working with mental patients in an asylum, as a carer. Blind leading the……..?

Well now, back to the present. Ever the gentleman, he offers to take our girl back to his lair, to show him his Needles and Books (seriously). Our girl kindly declines and runs back to the train station. Before her phone dies (like herself, it has had enough) she has time to send him a message explaining that perhaps this wasn’t such a good match after all.

You know that episode in Sex and The City when Charlotte explains the process of mourning your relationship? How you always grieve for exactly the double time of how long you were seeing someone.

So when she got home, our Girl cried for 2 hours, the exact double of her time spent with Lurch. She cried, contemplating the cruel nature of Karma – was this her punishment for not paying for her train ticket? Just to think, they could have been like Bonnie and Clyde…

(im)moral of the story: He may look like Shovel Face Pattinson online, but in real life, you might be dealing with a Nosferatu situation.

( image above via )