I have a friend who has a friend. Her babe-like qualities regularly garners attention from the opposite sex, and the night I’m about to tell you about was no exception.

She had been flirting with this particular guy for a while, and she was totally into him. The guy in question was some sort of Officer in the military. I think my friend, at this moment in time, was a little bit awe-struck by the prospect of sleeping with a loyal servant of Queen and Country. A lot of tequila, and thoughts like “Just think how dapper he looks in that uniform!”  went through her head that night, and when he pulled the final move on her, she just couldn’t resist.

“I can give you a private view of the Queen’s stable. I’ll let you in where no woman has been!”

Mmm hmmm…. The Officer shuffled the girl to said stable (aaaaahhh- Ponies!) and the deal was sealed- they spent a night of endless passions in his room at the Barracks. In the morning, at 6 o’clock, he reported for duty and went for a morning Power Walk, or whatever it is they do in Hyde Park. When the girl woke up two hours later, she was bewildered by her lost sense of location (and dignity.) She got up and put on last night’s Herve Leger, heels and huge fox fur and tiptoed down the stairs. Now time to make a sneaky exit… What she wasn’t expecting was to be met by a parade of uniformed army dudes saluting her. Turns out her Officer had informed the other men there of his nocturnal guest. Just then, the man himself returned from his power walk, cheeks rosy and eyes ablaze with satisfaction at the notion that his fellow warriors had noted his conquest. High fives and slaps on backs echoed through the stables as the girl stumbled around for a while, trying to find her way out into Hyde Park– great place to walk of shame it on a Sunday. No taxis, only parents with happy babies everywhere. Great! Anyway, she managed to escape the Headquarters  of Testosterone and the Park of all things Idyllic… On her way home, she made a secret vow to never sleep with him again. Enough!

Then, a couple of months later, she gets a message from the Officer. Would she perhaps like to come to his leaving party? With a couple of girlfriends?

“I’ve been stationed elsewhere. Im going away, for a very, very long time… This might be the last time we meet.”

Those eternal words, practically burning with the promise of imminent death. The whole thing suddenly took on a very Gone with the Wind-y  quality, and our Girl obviously couldn’t refuse him this last wish.

But her grand return to the barracks wasn’t quite as romantic as she’d pictured it… it was more like a frat party with some kind of theme that she could not quite put her finger on. With one practised look around the room, she realised that he had invited all the girls he had fucked, or had ever wanted to fuck, in London. Now he sauntered up to her with the assured swag of someone rather… swaggy. He was wearing low cut pants and a crop top that read “Pussy Tease”. (Still no one knows what the theme of the party was.) She didn’t stay long.

As faith would have it, the two star crossed lovers meet again, this time a couple of weeks later, at a rave. What I hear you say- isn’t our young warrior supposed to be on the cusp of life and death by now on the battlefield somewhere far away? The girl makes some inquiries

Girl: I thought you were going to… where was it? Afghanistan? Iraq? 

Officer: Oh, no, no….Turns out, it was actually just Cornwall.  

(im)moral of the story:        Soulja boy off in this hoe

Watch me crank it

Watch me roll

Watch me crank that soulja boy

Then super man that hoe