This Room is C*** Blocking me pt. II : Bedroom

 

block2I wish I got laid more often.

 

Perhaps that’s what you think, as your intended  partner suddenly turns a bit cold on you upon entering your bedroom. She excuses herself with some lie about a cat that needs feeding, but you both know damn well she don’t have no cat – in fact, she’s allergic to cats. The thought of spending yet another night in your bed, alone, with blueballs, is enough to make you want to sue those bastard cats for being alive and kicking still, when they ought to have been extinguished by some cat-plague or other many lifetimes ago. Great, you think, as you put on your favorite femdom porn and wank off, alone, again. Just great.

 

I wish I got laid more often.

 

Perhaps that’s what you think, as your intended boyfriend somehow again manages to forget to reciprocate the favor that you just so gallantly performed. Nevermind the obvious fact of sexual dissatisfaction. What really throws you is that for a moment there, you think he may just cuddle you a little, fall asleep – hell, he might even fall asleep while spooning you! But no, the signs you mistook for affection were in fact only post coital drowsiness, and as per usual, he manages to defy nature and rise from that bed to seek sleep, or whatever, elsewhere. Great, you think, as you unwrap that life – sized Cuddle Pillow you bought on Amazon as a ‘joke’. Just great.

 

Why should you be facing such issues? Surely, having sex with you isn’t that bad? In fact, you may have been awarded plentiful remarks on the contrary in the past, but somehow, your game has just completely stalled. You tick all the boxes, kind of. You have no problem luring them back to your apartment. You just never seem to be able to close the deal. Recently, nightmares of Alec Baldwin yelling ABC – ALWAYS BE CLOSING in your face and whipping you with a poster of a Cadillac Eldorado awake you from your normally comatose sleep. What on earth is your problem??

 

Could it be, that it is in fact your bedroom that is the culprit?

 

For thousands of years, Feng Shui has been a prominent part of the Chinese philosophical system. It’s the belief that we should try to harmonize with the environment around us and use the space we have to create better energy – Chi – so we can become more peaceful. Naturally, the Feng Shui of your bedroom can have a direct effect on your sex life. Here’s a checklist to be aware of in order to maximize your chances for getting laid.

 

  1. Clutter. A cluttered bedroom is not good for anyone’s libido. Clutter signals mess – do you want your sex life to be a mess? You may want to have a dirty sexlife, but in order to reach that step, cleanliness is recommended. When was the last time someone cleaned here? When was the last time you had a check up? STD much?
  2. The Bed. Obviously, the center of attention here. Invest in nice sheets. Make sure the bed is easily approached from both sides – a bed that is banged up against a wall signals that it is intended to be entered by one person only. The same goes for nightstands – have one on each side of the bed. This will create balance in the room as well as give your lover the idea that, hey, you’re welcome to spend the night! You can even have your own side! For the night, at least.
  3. TV and electronics. In this day and age, sure, why not, lets have a flatscreen in every room of the house, but you may want to think twice about dragging electronics into your bedroom. Are you an avoider of real life? Would you rather watch TV than snuggle your lover? Do you want to watch porn or make porn, goddamnit?
  4. Mirrors. In Feng Shui, mirrors are thought to be able to bounce energy around the room. Feng Shui experts advise us to avoid putting mirrors on the wall directly opposite the bed as this is thought to possibly encourage invasion from a third party – and I’m not talking about that kind of third party. More like, infidelity. Will you sacrifice that sexy POV opportunity a mirror so obviously provides in order to avoid bad bedroom energy?
  5. Art/ Photos. Think twice about putting photos of your mom, dad, siblings, grand parents, ex girlfriend etc on your bedroom wall. This may instill a feeling of being watched by the people in the images, and this can be unsettling for both you and your lover. The art in your bedroom should reflect the type of life you want to have – positive images that make you happy, rather than obscure and scary. Save the morbid contemporaries for the living room.
  6. Office. Don’t have your office in your bedroom! The bedroom is supposed to be where you relax, sleep, sex. Having work related objects in your room may cause you to feel stressed in here, possibly disrupting your sleep or your sexy time.
  7. Lighting. Dimmers are good in bedrooms, allowing you to subtly nuance the light in here. No harsh lights: you’re not on the set of a cheap porn production, for crying out loud. Perhaps some nice scented candles instead.
  8. Air. Make sure the room is well ventilated or open a window every once in a while. Any (s)exercise requires oxygen.
  9. Doors.  Doors are the connecting devices between rooms, opening and closing the areas to energies – be sure to close all doors at night, so as not to lose any energy in the room. This goes for closets and en suite bathroom doors to – close it all up! Feng Shui advises not to put the bed in direct line with the door as this can give the feeling of a coffin – taken out feet first. All  allusions to death other than the French La Petite Morte are unacceptable in the bedroom.

 

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